Journal 7/24/04

July 24, 2004

So Deborah from Dr. G’s office finally called me 2 days ago to tell me that she had faxed the final CT report. Then I get an email from Dan D. who hasn’t answered any of my calls for at least 2 weeks saying ‘I don’t know what you’re concerned about… the report looks fine.” How insane is this world. Can it really be just me? I just went through something else with my mother and then Rob, that apparently from everyone else’s opinion is my fault. Me. Yup. Must be all the time every time.

So my conclusion now is that with so many incidences there can be no other answer than this all me. In my own head I know I am not crazy. Makes me feel like I am speaking French. That’s the best way to describe it. Like people just don’t get it when I talk. Maybe I’m not really functioning correctly. Maybe I just think I’m ok but I’m really not. You know how everyone was saying that Aunt Ann was never the same but I don’t think anyone would tell her. They just wanted to be ‘kind’. Is that what’s happening to me and I Just don’t know it and since there’s nothing visible that’s happened no one is being kind about anything - they just think I’m ignorant about what’s happening.

Or could be that I am surrounded by people who are so different from me that they don’t understand me. If I knew just one person like me, I think I would feel better, but I don’t think I do. If there was just one person I could talk to who would nod in understanding I would feel so much better. But there isn’t. I don’t know if I’ve ever known anyone like that. Well, Mary B. and I used to be like that. Sometimes I feel like I must have a twin out there somewhere and if I just knew where they were that things would be better. Then someone would understand me. I could talk with them about all the things that make me wonder and talk about the questions that I don’t have answers to. And there wouldn’t be these blank or glazed looks from other people.